silence
i’ve gone a full day of not speaking to him. a full day of silence. a full day of letting my eyes well up just enough with tears and mastering the art of never letting them fall. last night he did not come home until 3am and i don’t know what is supposed to happen next. I keep counting to 10, taking deep breaths and continue to tell myself to give it time. I have no words and I have no reason to force him to talk to me. none of that has worked in the past and I am done begging for transparency. things just keep getting harder and I don’t want to stop trying, but I feel like keeping to myself is the best fight I have. I don’t know. 

fabricated

sometimes i feel like you don’t understand my anxiety and depression because it’s not something you’ve experienced yourself. in that way, it seems like some kind of made up hysteria in your eyes because you cannot fathom that someone can be happy and sad at the same time. or crying for a reason they cannot make words for. but a few days ago, you held me as i cried for no reason. i told you that i didn’t understand why i was crying and you told me it was okay and that it happens sometimes. since that, i have stopped believing that the man i love didn’t understand the demons in my head. until last night, when i mentioned my depression. and you shook your head as you said the word, “fabricated.” now is that just some asshole remark you said to hurt me or did you really mean it? my heart breaks with the strong feeling that you’re just saying what you’ve been thinking all along. and the man that held me in the hallway last week was just a dream.

(via politicallyinactive)

my aunt used to come in to town from arizona and leave without letting me know she was even here in the first place. i used to feel so hurt she didn’t bother to see me. one time she came in, and she did make plans so i met up with her and we had a great day, and she mentioned that she doesn’t want me to post any photos on facebook because people find she’s in town and get offended (like i was) that she didn’t see them. at that point i sort of understood but now, a few years later i feel like it’s come full circle. i came home to merced for christmas and literally had plans every. single. day. from morning to evening we were just fitting in plans with family. and now i have a really good friend pissed at me for not making time to see her, and she’s just not even close to understanding how hard it is when you come home and have to see all your family and try to fit in visits with a friend. i feel horrible to hurt someone’s feelings, because i understand where she’s coming from, but i’m not sure what i can do about it now. i guess not share things on facebook? i don’t know.